So, another year, another set of movies to review. Only this is particularly interesting because this is the last year of the decade. I have no insight as to the year itself or the decade, except that it could've been better. There were good parts, but I wouldn't look back at it fondly. Anyway, this list. Per my sister's suggestion, I have split this up into what could be construed as a "worst" and "best" list. I'll combine the two later into a full list. This is every single film I've seen from the very beginning of 2019 to the very end. I like to make sure the year is good and over, since you can only evaluate a year once it's in the past. I rank it from the very worst to the very best. This year, I've added some new innovations for the coming decade. Some more finely tuned rankings to describe movies and a new category that could count as an "honorary mention" (since by the very nature of the list, I can't really do "honorary mentions"). I used to put posters next to the film, but I got tired of adding and crediting them, so I'll just put the name of the film, and this isn't a professional publication, so I can do whatever the hell I want. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Alright, for the final time in the 2010's, let goooooooo.... Starting with the honorary mention:
Honorary Mention
When They See Us
I mean, if Barack Obama can put a category of "TV shows that felt cinematic", why can't I? Anyway, this miniseries was a real rough watch, in the best way. I only knew intermittent details of the Central Park Five case before watching it, so seeing the corruption, the railroading and the horror of what these young men went through was enlightening and incredibly disturbing. Director Ava DuVaurnay humanizes five, shows them and their families and the effects their false accusations, their trials, and especially their time in prison had, which makes their eventual exoneration all the more satisfying. This was very powerful in a very soul-penetrating way, leaving you exhausted from the sheer emotional scale of it. It's on Netflix, so if you have it, I can't recommend this enough.
And now to the actual list:
Worst
Midway
Congratulations, Roland Emmerich, you've marked a personal achievement for me. This is the first film I've ever walked out of. At some point, I just saw the combination of hammy acting, heinous special effects, and horrid writing, and figured my time was better spent doing something else. I don't know why I thought this might be worth something. Roland Emmerich has made precisely one good movie in his entire career (the first Independence Day) , and his historical films are generally regarded as his worst. Still, when you combine the bizarre and dull governmental machinations in those with the dull melodrama of Michael Bay's Pearl Harbor and the effects of lower end Asylum movie, you get something basically unwatchable. I don't really know how well it follows the real events of Midway, but I don't really care to know. I don't have any interest in finishing this film.
Terrible
Godzilla: King of Monsters
I don't really mind that this film has a really confusing and simultaneously simple plot that makes no sense. It really is meant to be a showcase of Godzilla and his rogues gallery beating the shit out of each other like in the Showa era Godzilla films. On that front, the fights are poorly lit, confusing, and ultra loud. I couldn't tell what was happening most of the time, and the Abrams style lights make it both so bright to avert your eyes and too dark to actually see anything. This really is the worst because somewhere towards the end of the film, I got a literal headache. I know the movie caused it, because it went away after I left. A movie should not make me feel sick just sitting there watching it. The fact no one saw this and tried to fix it for a big budget, wide release film is somewhat incredible for me. Maybe Godzilla vs. Kong will be better.
The Goldfinch
There's boring, and then there's agonizing. This movie is over two and a half hours and nothing happens in it. It's just a bunch of dull conversations, meaningless drivel on the nature of art and bizarre, dull melodrama that drags on longer than it was welcome. I think I actually fell asleep watching this. I didn't care about the character or his journey or whatever the hell the message was suppose to be... Oh, yeah, there is kind of a message to this, and I found it completely contradicting what is actually shown and is kind of mean-spirited when you think on it. Anyway, movie bad.
Replicas
The fact that three movies beat this out shows something about this list. I don't know. Anyway, I'm not convinced this was a real film. It was literally made by "Entertainment Studios". It feels like a fake movie within a movie or a commercial. You see it in snippets while the actual drama goes on with others. I don't know, maybe I've been in a Truman Show-esque reality show dystopia this whole time, and they made this film as part of that. Anyway, this was terrible in all aspects. Bad effects, an idiot plot that contradicts itself at every turn, poor Keanu Reeves trying to make do with this dull character, and an utterly bizarre ending that makes little sense. It might've been funny, had it also not been dull and tedious.
The Intruder
This feels like a TV movie that made it to screens for some reason. It might've been entertaining, had it not had that TV movie quality writing or the fact nothing happens for the first two thirds of this film or if I actually remembered most of this film. I'll give it this, Dennis Quaid really did sell being a psychopath. A shame it had to be in this film.
The Prodigy
I completely forgot about this until I looked at Letterboxd and realized that in fact, I had seen it. This is yet another "evil kid does stuff" film that is incredibly dumb, really makes no sense, has the dumbest ending I think I've seen in a while, and just doesn't stay in the memory. I can't tell you most of what the hell happens in this movie and what I can tell you would sound idiotic and too bizarre and offensive to be real.
Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile
Zac Efron as Ted Bundy was an idea that might've worked, given how much the two resemble each other. Unfortunately, the film decides not to show how much of a monster Ted Bundy was under his handsome veneer or the magnitude of his crimes for most of the running time, instead showing him as a dutiful, charismatic boyfriend, and him besting the prosecutors. This lovable rogue characterization really sinks the film, even as it tries to acknowledge the awfulness of his crimes at the very end of this film.
The Hustle
Sadly not affiliated with the catchy Van McCoy song from 1975, this was instead painfully unfunny, woefully underwritten, and bizarrely made. Anne Hathaway does a decent British accent, but she and Rebel Wilson lack chemistry and it gets painful to get the same joke constantly in regards to the two. When I saw the film, there wasn't a single laugh. The theater was entirely silent, except for the occasional chuckle. Even at the worst comedies, I hear consistent laughs. That really shows the sheer terribleness of this alleged comedy.
Dumbo
How to make a 70-minute cartoon with a very condensed plot and some elements that haven't aged well (the crows, namely) into a live-action film? Well, Tim Burton decided to make it completely homogeneous, regurgitating both his cliches and the cliches of live-action Disney. There's an interesting element of a Disney satire in this Disney movie, but it's underexplored and doesn't really interrogate its Disney analogue or even the ostensible anti-animal abuse theme it seems to imply at the end. Really, the fact this was all underbaked shows the faults of these films.
Greta
I'll say this, all the actors involved are giving their all, especially Isabelle Huppert, who seems to play her psychaotic role with such ease, it's a bit disturbing. It also has something of a novel resolution. A shame the film isn't well written or that it relies too much on contrivances. Again, despite the craziness of the premise and some of the events, I can't really tell you anything that actually happens in this film, except what happens at the very end.
Gemini Man
Oh, hey, someone woke up Jerry Bruckheimer from whatever crypt he's been hiding in since the mid-2000's, and he's produced another film with innovative director Ang Lee! A shame it was Gemini Man. Ang Lee is an interesting director, and he seems to be on this HFR binge. I actually saw this in HFR, and it looked too naturalistic. It felt like watching a low budget TV show. It made the highly elaborate action look off, especially with the realism that the rest of the film portrays. As for Will Smith the younger, it looks fine at first, but it gets more and more video game like, especially with the HFR, and especially at the end. It was ambitious, I'll give it. That ambition just didn't pan out.
Cats
Yeah, yeah, low hanging fruit. I didn't know anything about this musical going into this film, and coming out, I know even less. This had virtually no story, no characters. Just a bunch of poorly CGI'd, incredibly off-putting cat people singing and dancing about stuff that is never adequately explained. It especially doesn't help that director Tom Hopper uses his signature close-ups, making the ugly looking models even uglier since we can see the unfinished looking models.
Bad
Harriet
Harriet Tubman's story is one deserving of a cinematic telling, given her work as a freed slave turned abolitionist for the Underground Railroad and spy and officer for the Union during the Civil War. Unfortunately, this film doesn't really serve this iconic figure very well. It never shows Tubman as a real human, instead opting to give her too much speechifying and not even character development or even looks into the human behind such a legend. Not helping is the TV movie level production design (using the same sets in many scenes) or the bizarre subplot about her former master who is in love with her. Hopefully, Harriet Tubman might get a film that appreciates the scope of her as a person and her story.
Velvet Buzzsaw
I completely forgot that this POS came out this year on Netflix. I don't know what this was supposed to be. A horror film? A comedy? A satire of the world of high art and its absurdity? Whatever it was, it wasn't executed well, with unsympathetic cartoon characters as leads and a reveal that is both obvious, and defies the logic established in the film. Mainly, I just can't remember much of what happens.
Jexi
Remember the movie Her, where Joaquin Phoenix falls in love with the AI voice on his phone? The premise of this film is what if that AI was psychaotic and tried to ruin his love life? Also add in awful jokes and set pieces that show the writers don't understand how technology works (at one point, the titular AI takes over a Taxi because it's in "The Cloud") or it being a generic rom-com without any seasoning? I laughed hard at Wanda Sykes in the film, but that was it.
Motherless Brooklyn
Ed Norton's adaptation of Jonathan Lethem's novel has similar problems to The Goldfinch. Both are long, very little happens, and it can't seem to get its message or portrays it very well. The reason this is higher on the list is that it at least wasn't that boring, and its pretensions and subsequent failings are occasionally (and unintentionally) funny enough that I was more at ease watching.
Pet Semetary
I probably saw this. I honestly can't remember all that well. All I remember was that it wasn't very good, and wasn't particularly scary. I think it had a very dark ending, and what appeared to be zombie apocalypse, but otherwise, I can't quite discern what happened here.
X-Men: Dark Phoenix
The much vaunted X-Men series. Its inception started the current superhero phenomenon, its films have been consistently successful, and this.... is how it goes out. It's clear that this film went through a number of reshoots and reedits, and was building towards something that was screwed with upon Disney's purchase of 20th Century Fox. The result is so bland and boring, it really doesn't have any memorable impact. It's a shame that such a franchise gets this sort of ending, especially since Disney will likely reboot the X-Men into the MCU in the near future.
The Aftermath
This was just another dour historical drama that is not particularly interesting nor as insightful as it thinks it is. Especially with Jojo Rabbit coming out the same year, this film's attempts to interrogate the legacy of Nazism and the effects of war come off especially weak and a little tone deaf. It also has a dull love triangle at its center. Really, there's nothing else to the film.
Serenity
The much vaunted twist of this film? I guessed it during a particular transition. Honestly, that's maybe the most interesting part of the film and it occasionally does work with that twist and its implications. Otherwise, it's largely a generic neo-noir with a very predictable plot.
The Lion King
This is basically a shot-for-shot remake of the original 1994 classic, except done entirely in CGI. The CGI actually looks impressive and realistic. Unfortunately, that also means that the characters are unexpressive, rendering most of the comedic and dramatic bits of the film nil, and the songs mostly stripped down. This does lessen the impact of the film, as it constantly reminds you that the first film did these elements so well, that we don't really need to see this. Basically, just see the original, and you'll get a better experience.
The Current War
Honestly, while I thought this was bad, I didn't really consider putting this low, until its executive producer began to whine about how studios were pushing blockbuster movies (which he didn't consider "cinema") over innovative or interesting filmmaking. Yet he, a multi-millionaire, decided that he believed in this bland historical drama that said very little about the events or its players nor does anything interesting with the format so much, he saved it from the Weinstein collapse and got it into theaters with his name plastered all over the damn thing, more than the actual director. And this is basically a product. A very specific product for Oscar voters, so that it wins awards and gets a longer theatrical run. It's not really a film that was really meant to be innovative or actually say something. Just get awards and make more money. It's likely that director Alfonso Gomez-Rejon (who made a very interesting film in Me and Earl and the Dying Girl) had to deal with the Weinstein machine just turning this into another one of their prestige pictures and Scorsese put his own elements in there during reshoots (including a bizarre digression into Edison's invention of motion pictures), so whatever he had to say got lost in the shuffle. Really, there's no reason to see this film when you can read books or the Wikipedia article on the subject and get the same impact.
A Million Little Pieces
Already discussed a lot of the problems with this in my review over the past month. Ultimately, this feels like a missed opportunity. By taking this known largely fabricated story seriously, the film ignores the more interesting story of how someone could essentially make up their own history and get accolades over it. As for what the film is, it's basically another drug rehab story that loses a lot of its impact because a lot was made-up and was covered better in other recent films.
Meh
The Kid
I like Vincent D'Onofrio as an actor, but his directoral debut didn't really stick well. The titular Billy the Kid is played by Dane Dehaan, so there's the biggest mistake there. It's largely listless and wanders aimlessly, instead of having a coherent plot. Poor Ethan Hawke doesn't really know what to do throughout. The reason it's not in the other category is that there were elements that worked, including Chris Pratt playing against type as a loathesome villain and some of the John Ford and Sergio Leone style shots in some scenes.
21 Bridges
This basically plays like a very special episode of a cop show, just extended to an hour and a half. It has predictable stakes, a predictable twist, and largely predictable arcs. It mostly does this coherently and at least, the superb Chadwick Boseman could sell this material very well. It was mostly just functional.
What Men Want
A largely dull, unfunny rom-com, though this at least has the always charismatic Taraji P. Henson in the lead and some occasionally funny moments. I did cringe at one moment, but mostly it did a competent job just working with its premise, even if it was ultimately mediocre.
Gloria Bell
I wasn't terribly invested in this film, which follows the indie film cliche of "middle-to-old aged white person has problems, hijinks ensue", and is not overall that interesting or has that much to say about anything. That said, Julianne Moore is always very nice to watch, and she has some good chemistry with John Turturro, so that keeps this from being truly tedious.
Men in Black: International
I legitimately couldn't tell you what happens in this film. The plot was largely a McGuffin hunt, if I remember correctly, and doesn't really have much else to it. I know that Tessa Thompson seemed to be having fun as an action lead and Chris Hemsworth had some nice moments with her. Kumail Nanjiani is funny in it, as he normally is. It wasn't terrible as far as big blockbusters go, but I'd rather watch the last two MiB films. And those weren't very good either.
Waves
I think maybe I was harsher in my assessment of this film than I probably should've. Like, I remember just feeling disoriented by the cinematography in the first half and maybe that lowered it in my mind. There was some interesting elements in that first half I should've given more consideration towards, and hence why it is probably higher than I intended. I still didn't care overall for the film, but I think the filmmaker's intentions can still be discerned and understood, (especially with the second half, which is also a lot better than I remember.)
Teen Spirit
I just spent a few seconds trying to come up with something to say about this. I've got nothing. It's colorful. Elle Fanning's a decent singer. This might as well be a featurette on American Idol or the Voice stretched out to a feature length film. It has occasionally interesting or emotional moments, but it's largely sublimated into a bland script and bland lead.
Aladdin
The biggest advantage this has over the last two is that a.) it does have different ideas and different plot points than the original, and b.) those changes largely work or aren't just background fluff. Granted, like the other two, there really isn't a particular reason you should see this over the original, and the ugly set design and overwrought color saturation doesn't help, but I could at least see, without the Disney machine ironing it into another remake, how this could've worked better. Also, Will Smith does a suprisingly good job as the Genie, not trying to co-opt or usurp Robin Williams' iconic performance.
Red Joan
Based on the real story of Melita Norwood, a Soviet spy within the Tube Alloys program (the British attempt to make the atomic bomb during World War II, before it was merged with the American Manhattan Project and its scientists assigned there), the film boasts a good performance by Judi Dench, but undercuts the real story by having its version be simply a misunderstood activist used by other people, as opposed to the real Norwood, who was very devout, aware and unrepentent about what she did, which is far more interesting and thought-provoking than someone tricked into spying (removing the agency of real spies).
Under the Silver Lake
It's funny. Despite waiting for this film, watching it, and reviewing it, I don't actually entirely remember what happens in it. I remember Andrew Garfield acts high and wanders through Los Angeles. There's some conspiracy stuff that is too confusing to unravel. A friend described the film as "Ready Player One, but for hipster d-bags" , which largely summarizes my own thoughts on the film. It's an easter egg hunt, disguised as a conspiracy thriller.
Mister America
Okay, I didn't so much hate this film as I was just confused by it. So many weird, fast jokes. A lot of odd continuity being dumped on me. Some bizarre characters and incidents that come out of nowhere and leave just quickly. It was only when I looked it up did I realize this was actually a spin-off of Tim Heidecker and Gregg Turkington's On Cinema, a show I had never even heard of before watching this. While I didn't find it funny at all, maybe watching the actual show might've enhanced the experience, and gave more context. That's why it's a lot higher than I might've put it otherwise.
The Kitchen
This was originally lower, but the more I thought on it, the less I disliked it. There was potential in this, exploring the machismo of mob movies through the underutilized character of the wife, and the film kind of does this at parts, especially with their underestimation by their male partners and associates. The three leads and Domhall Gleeson are also quite good in their respective roles. It never really goes far enough with that theme and it never seems to reach a point, instead going into mob movie cliches, but there was potential. Maybe a better adaptation might explore this.
Stuber
I thought this was funny the first time I saw it. Then, I saw it again on a plane, and it was significantly less funny. Again, Kumail Nanjiani can be very funny, and Dave Bautista has shown that he has legitimate comedic chops. The two do have a good back-and-forth, but these jokes really work once, and yes, there is no escaping that this is basically a two-hour commercial for Uber. Still, it had some funny moments, I suppose.
Charlie's Angels
Again, can't tell you what happens in this movie. A lot of explosions, some poorly written generic spy plot, some really poorly done action scenes. At least the actresses seem to be having fun riffing on this particular concept, and I do like that there is some continuity given to the other versions. (The various cameos also help). Still, can't think of a reason to actually watch this if you want something good.
Joker
Yes, the controversial choice. Look, Joaquin Phoenix is an excellent actor and as per usual, he delivers a disturbingly good performance as the Batman villain. I did like that it expanded on him being a comedian. The main problem is that the film takes a lot out of Taxi Driver and King of Comedy, but doesn't seem to understand either. Instead, the script underwrites the psychological drama part, the thriller part, the social commentary part, basically every aspect of this film is underdone and underexplored, and Todd Phillips can't really shot this sort of drama well. Honestly, if people weren't constantly talking about this, I would've forgotten I'd even seen it.
Countdown
This is a movie about a killer phone application. Like, this is something that might be made in a plot generator on the internet. At times, the film does seem to be aware of the ridiculousness of its premise and tries to have fun with it. Mostly, though, it's just another Final Destination knock-off that is incredibly boring, incredibly predictable and incredibly not scary at all. And again, it's about a killer phone app.
Hellboy
Having now read some of the original comics, I sort of get that the film was trying to hew closer to the original comics than Del Toro's more whimsical and fantasy oriented version. Unfortunately, the film ends up just being dumb, confusing, overstuffed with characters and concepts that are never fully explained. The effects and sets look awful, and the imagination present in both the comics and the Del Toro films is lost beneath a dull grey palette. That said,.... I did have fun sometimes, so I'll give it that.
Tolkien
JRR Tolkien led a long fascinating life and had a lot of friends and associates. Unfortunately, the film decides not to focus on any of that, instead opting to tell the story of his Dead Poets Society-esque tale of misfits and his service during World War I. Both were influential in the Middle-Earth saga, sure, but it wasn't particularly interesting in its own right nor does it really show how these friendships and events influenced Tolkien as a writer. We get some nods, but nothing really examines how deeply Tolkien's war service and losing some of his friends affected his outlook and especially how it influenced the portrayal of war torn areas and the journey in Lord of the Rings.
Glass
Another perhaps controversial one, given that this film has undergone a reevaluation since I saw it back in January. Me, I still didn't care for it all that much. M. Night Shyamalan's sequel to his acclaimed Unbreakable and Split seems to completely contradict parts of those films to ludicrous effects and gives an entirely predictable, yet utterly bizarre twist and another element that might've served something had actual development been given to it. I did enjoy seeing the characters from both films again, and it does have the potential to spring a new franchise, focused on realistic superheroes. A shame that the rest of the film couldn't follow.
Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker
I decided to leave off 2019 with this, since it was the end of a particular saga for this era. The movie is also not really that good, pissing away all the development that Last Jedi gave for all the characters to instead give a retread of Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, with several elements there entirely for fan service (including some truly terrible character moments). No event in this film has any impact, because most of it is reversed or underutilized. The plot is entirely a McGuffin hunt that doesn't take time to sit down and actually give more development to the characters or have them reflect on their journeys. Yet.... at times, when the action was on or I saw the scenery, I did have some moments of fun despite myself. So, fitting for the last film I saw in theaters in the 2010's that it is last here.
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Alright, one down, one to go. Join me in the next few days for Part II: Okay to Best.
Honorary Mention
When They See Us
I mean, if Barack Obama can put a category of "TV shows that felt cinematic", why can't I? Anyway, this miniseries was a real rough watch, in the best way. I only knew intermittent details of the Central Park Five case before watching it, so seeing the corruption, the railroading and the horror of what these young men went through was enlightening and incredibly disturbing. Director Ava DuVaurnay humanizes five, shows them and their families and the effects their false accusations, their trials, and especially their time in prison had, which makes their eventual exoneration all the more satisfying. This was very powerful in a very soul-penetrating way, leaving you exhausted from the sheer emotional scale of it. It's on Netflix, so if you have it, I can't recommend this enough.
And now to the actual list:
Worst
Midway
Congratulations, Roland Emmerich, you've marked a personal achievement for me. This is the first film I've ever walked out of. At some point, I just saw the combination of hammy acting, heinous special effects, and horrid writing, and figured my time was better spent doing something else. I don't know why I thought this might be worth something. Roland Emmerich has made precisely one good movie in his entire career (the first Independence Day) , and his historical films are generally regarded as his worst. Still, when you combine the bizarre and dull governmental machinations in those with the dull melodrama of Michael Bay's Pearl Harbor and the effects of lower end Asylum movie, you get something basically unwatchable. I don't really know how well it follows the real events of Midway, but I don't really care to know. I don't have any interest in finishing this film.
Terrible
Godzilla: King of Monsters
I don't really mind that this film has a really confusing and simultaneously simple plot that makes no sense. It really is meant to be a showcase of Godzilla and his rogues gallery beating the shit out of each other like in the Showa era Godzilla films. On that front, the fights are poorly lit, confusing, and ultra loud. I couldn't tell what was happening most of the time, and the Abrams style lights make it both so bright to avert your eyes and too dark to actually see anything. This really is the worst because somewhere towards the end of the film, I got a literal headache. I know the movie caused it, because it went away after I left. A movie should not make me feel sick just sitting there watching it. The fact no one saw this and tried to fix it for a big budget, wide release film is somewhat incredible for me. Maybe Godzilla vs. Kong will be better.
The Goldfinch
There's boring, and then there's agonizing. This movie is over two and a half hours and nothing happens in it. It's just a bunch of dull conversations, meaningless drivel on the nature of art and bizarre, dull melodrama that drags on longer than it was welcome. I think I actually fell asleep watching this. I didn't care about the character or his journey or whatever the hell the message was suppose to be... Oh, yeah, there is kind of a message to this, and I found it completely contradicting what is actually shown and is kind of mean-spirited when you think on it. Anyway, movie bad.
Replicas
The fact that three movies beat this out shows something about this list. I don't know. Anyway, I'm not convinced this was a real film. It was literally made by "Entertainment Studios". It feels like a fake movie within a movie or a commercial. You see it in snippets while the actual drama goes on with others. I don't know, maybe I've been in a Truman Show-esque reality show dystopia this whole time, and they made this film as part of that. Anyway, this was terrible in all aspects. Bad effects, an idiot plot that contradicts itself at every turn, poor Keanu Reeves trying to make do with this dull character, and an utterly bizarre ending that makes little sense. It might've been funny, had it also not been dull and tedious.
The Intruder
This feels like a TV movie that made it to screens for some reason. It might've been entertaining, had it not had that TV movie quality writing or the fact nothing happens for the first two thirds of this film or if I actually remembered most of this film. I'll give it this, Dennis Quaid really did sell being a psychopath. A shame it had to be in this film.
The Prodigy
I completely forgot about this until I looked at Letterboxd and realized that in fact, I had seen it. This is yet another "evil kid does stuff" film that is incredibly dumb, really makes no sense, has the dumbest ending I think I've seen in a while, and just doesn't stay in the memory. I can't tell you most of what the hell happens in this movie and what I can tell you would sound idiotic and too bizarre and offensive to be real.
Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile
Zac Efron as Ted Bundy was an idea that might've worked, given how much the two resemble each other. Unfortunately, the film decides not to show how much of a monster Ted Bundy was under his handsome veneer or the magnitude of his crimes for most of the running time, instead showing him as a dutiful, charismatic boyfriend, and him besting the prosecutors. This lovable rogue characterization really sinks the film, even as it tries to acknowledge the awfulness of his crimes at the very end of this film.
The Hustle
Sadly not affiliated with the catchy Van McCoy song from 1975, this was instead painfully unfunny, woefully underwritten, and bizarrely made. Anne Hathaway does a decent British accent, but she and Rebel Wilson lack chemistry and it gets painful to get the same joke constantly in regards to the two. When I saw the film, there wasn't a single laugh. The theater was entirely silent, except for the occasional chuckle. Even at the worst comedies, I hear consistent laughs. That really shows the sheer terribleness of this alleged comedy.
Dumbo
How to make a 70-minute cartoon with a very condensed plot and some elements that haven't aged well (the crows, namely) into a live-action film? Well, Tim Burton decided to make it completely homogeneous, regurgitating both his cliches and the cliches of live-action Disney. There's an interesting element of a Disney satire in this Disney movie, but it's underexplored and doesn't really interrogate its Disney analogue or even the ostensible anti-animal abuse theme it seems to imply at the end. Really, the fact this was all underbaked shows the faults of these films.
Greta
I'll say this, all the actors involved are giving their all, especially Isabelle Huppert, who seems to play her psychaotic role with such ease, it's a bit disturbing. It also has something of a novel resolution. A shame the film isn't well written or that it relies too much on contrivances. Again, despite the craziness of the premise and some of the events, I can't really tell you anything that actually happens in this film, except what happens at the very end.
Gemini Man
Oh, hey, someone woke up Jerry Bruckheimer from whatever crypt he's been hiding in since the mid-2000's, and he's produced another film with innovative director Ang Lee! A shame it was Gemini Man. Ang Lee is an interesting director, and he seems to be on this HFR binge. I actually saw this in HFR, and it looked too naturalistic. It felt like watching a low budget TV show. It made the highly elaborate action look off, especially with the realism that the rest of the film portrays. As for Will Smith the younger, it looks fine at first, but it gets more and more video game like, especially with the HFR, and especially at the end. It was ambitious, I'll give it. That ambition just didn't pan out.
Cats
Yeah, yeah, low hanging fruit. I didn't know anything about this musical going into this film, and coming out, I know even less. This had virtually no story, no characters. Just a bunch of poorly CGI'd, incredibly off-putting cat people singing and dancing about stuff that is never adequately explained. It especially doesn't help that director Tom Hopper uses his signature close-ups, making the ugly looking models even uglier since we can see the unfinished looking models.
Bad
Harriet
Harriet Tubman's story is one deserving of a cinematic telling, given her work as a freed slave turned abolitionist for the Underground Railroad and spy and officer for the Union during the Civil War. Unfortunately, this film doesn't really serve this iconic figure very well. It never shows Tubman as a real human, instead opting to give her too much speechifying and not even character development or even looks into the human behind such a legend. Not helping is the TV movie level production design (using the same sets in many scenes) or the bizarre subplot about her former master who is in love with her. Hopefully, Harriet Tubman might get a film that appreciates the scope of her as a person and her story.
Velvet Buzzsaw
I completely forgot that this POS came out this year on Netflix. I don't know what this was supposed to be. A horror film? A comedy? A satire of the world of high art and its absurdity? Whatever it was, it wasn't executed well, with unsympathetic cartoon characters as leads and a reveal that is both obvious, and defies the logic established in the film. Mainly, I just can't remember much of what happens.
Jexi
Remember the movie Her, where Joaquin Phoenix falls in love with the AI voice on his phone? The premise of this film is what if that AI was psychaotic and tried to ruin his love life? Also add in awful jokes and set pieces that show the writers don't understand how technology works (at one point, the titular AI takes over a Taxi because it's in "The Cloud") or it being a generic rom-com without any seasoning? I laughed hard at Wanda Sykes in the film, but that was it.
Motherless Brooklyn
Ed Norton's adaptation of Jonathan Lethem's novel has similar problems to The Goldfinch. Both are long, very little happens, and it can't seem to get its message or portrays it very well. The reason this is higher on the list is that it at least wasn't that boring, and its pretensions and subsequent failings are occasionally (and unintentionally) funny enough that I was more at ease watching.
Pet Semetary
I probably saw this. I honestly can't remember all that well. All I remember was that it wasn't very good, and wasn't particularly scary. I think it had a very dark ending, and what appeared to be zombie apocalypse, but otherwise, I can't quite discern what happened here.
X-Men: Dark Phoenix
The much vaunted X-Men series. Its inception started the current superhero phenomenon, its films have been consistently successful, and this.... is how it goes out. It's clear that this film went through a number of reshoots and reedits, and was building towards something that was screwed with upon Disney's purchase of 20th Century Fox. The result is so bland and boring, it really doesn't have any memorable impact. It's a shame that such a franchise gets this sort of ending, especially since Disney will likely reboot the X-Men into the MCU in the near future.
The Aftermath
This was just another dour historical drama that is not particularly interesting nor as insightful as it thinks it is. Especially with Jojo Rabbit coming out the same year, this film's attempts to interrogate the legacy of Nazism and the effects of war come off especially weak and a little tone deaf. It also has a dull love triangle at its center. Really, there's nothing else to the film.
Serenity
The much vaunted twist of this film? I guessed it during a particular transition. Honestly, that's maybe the most interesting part of the film and it occasionally does work with that twist and its implications. Otherwise, it's largely a generic neo-noir with a very predictable plot.
The Lion King
This is basically a shot-for-shot remake of the original 1994 classic, except done entirely in CGI. The CGI actually looks impressive and realistic. Unfortunately, that also means that the characters are unexpressive, rendering most of the comedic and dramatic bits of the film nil, and the songs mostly stripped down. This does lessen the impact of the film, as it constantly reminds you that the first film did these elements so well, that we don't really need to see this. Basically, just see the original, and you'll get a better experience.
The Current War
Honestly, while I thought this was bad, I didn't really consider putting this low, until its executive producer began to whine about how studios were pushing blockbuster movies (which he didn't consider "cinema") over innovative or interesting filmmaking. Yet he, a multi-millionaire, decided that he believed in this bland historical drama that said very little about the events or its players nor does anything interesting with the format so much, he saved it from the Weinstein collapse and got it into theaters with his name plastered all over the damn thing, more than the actual director. And this is basically a product. A very specific product for Oscar voters, so that it wins awards and gets a longer theatrical run. It's not really a film that was really meant to be innovative or actually say something. Just get awards and make more money. It's likely that director Alfonso Gomez-Rejon (who made a very interesting film in Me and Earl and the Dying Girl) had to deal with the Weinstein machine just turning this into another one of their prestige pictures and Scorsese put his own elements in there during reshoots (including a bizarre digression into Edison's invention of motion pictures), so whatever he had to say got lost in the shuffle. Really, there's no reason to see this film when you can read books or the Wikipedia article on the subject and get the same impact.
A Million Little Pieces
Already discussed a lot of the problems with this in my review over the past month. Ultimately, this feels like a missed opportunity. By taking this known largely fabricated story seriously, the film ignores the more interesting story of how someone could essentially make up their own history and get accolades over it. As for what the film is, it's basically another drug rehab story that loses a lot of its impact because a lot was made-up and was covered better in other recent films.
Meh
The Kid
I like Vincent D'Onofrio as an actor, but his directoral debut didn't really stick well. The titular Billy the Kid is played by Dane Dehaan, so there's the biggest mistake there. It's largely listless and wanders aimlessly, instead of having a coherent plot. Poor Ethan Hawke doesn't really know what to do throughout. The reason it's not in the other category is that there were elements that worked, including Chris Pratt playing against type as a loathesome villain and some of the John Ford and Sergio Leone style shots in some scenes.
21 Bridges
This basically plays like a very special episode of a cop show, just extended to an hour and a half. It has predictable stakes, a predictable twist, and largely predictable arcs. It mostly does this coherently and at least, the superb Chadwick Boseman could sell this material very well. It was mostly just functional.
What Men Want
A largely dull, unfunny rom-com, though this at least has the always charismatic Taraji P. Henson in the lead and some occasionally funny moments. I did cringe at one moment, but mostly it did a competent job just working with its premise, even if it was ultimately mediocre.
Gloria Bell
I wasn't terribly invested in this film, which follows the indie film cliche of "middle-to-old aged white person has problems, hijinks ensue", and is not overall that interesting or has that much to say about anything. That said, Julianne Moore is always very nice to watch, and she has some good chemistry with John Turturro, so that keeps this from being truly tedious.
Men in Black: International
I legitimately couldn't tell you what happens in this film. The plot was largely a McGuffin hunt, if I remember correctly, and doesn't really have much else to it. I know that Tessa Thompson seemed to be having fun as an action lead and Chris Hemsworth had some nice moments with her. Kumail Nanjiani is funny in it, as he normally is. It wasn't terrible as far as big blockbusters go, but I'd rather watch the last two MiB films. And those weren't very good either.
Waves
I think maybe I was harsher in my assessment of this film than I probably should've. Like, I remember just feeling disoriented by the cinematography in the first half and maybe that lowered it in my mind. There was some interesting elements in that first half I should've given more consideration towards, and hence why it is probably higher than I intended. I still didn't care overall for the film, but I think the filmmaker's intentions can still be discerned and understood, (especially with the second half, which is also a lot better than I remember.)
Teen Spirit
I just spent a few seconds trying to come up with something to say about this. I've got nothing. It's colorful. Elle Fanning's a decent singer. This might as well be a featurette on American Idol or the Voice stretched out to a feature length film. It has occasionally interesting or emotional moments, but it's largely sublimated into a bland script and bland lead.
Aladdin
The biggest advantage this has over the last two is that a.) it does have different ideas and different plot points than the original, and b.) those changes largely work or aren't just background fluff. Granted, like the other two, there really isn't a particular reason you should see this over the original, and the ugly set design and overwrought color saturation doesn't help, but I could at least see, without the Disney machine ironing it into another remake, how this could've worked better. Also, Will Smith does a suprisingly good job as the Genie, not trying to co-opt or usurp Robin Williams' iconic performance.
Red Joan
Based on the real story of Melita Norwood, a Soviet spy within the Tube Alloys program (the British attempt to make the atomic bomb during World War II, before it was merged with the American Manhattan Project and its scientists assigned there), the film boasts a good performance by Judi Dench, but undercuts the real story by having its version be simply a misunderstood activist used by other people, as opposed to the real Norwood, who was very devout, aware and unrepentent about what she did, which is far more interesting and thought-provoking than someone tricked into spying (removing the agency of real spies).
Under the Silver Lake
It's funny. Despite waiting for this film, watching it, and reviewing it, I don't actually entirely remember what happens in it. I remember Andrew Garfield acts high and wanders through Los Angeles. There's some conspiracy stuff that is too confusing to unravel. A friend described the film as "Ready Player One, but for hipster d-bags" , which largely summarizes my own thoughts on the film. It's an easter egg hunt, disguised as a conspiracy thriller.
Mister America
Okay, I didn't so much hate this film as I was just confused by it. So many weird, fast jokes. A lot of odd continuity being dumped on me. Some bizarre characters and incidents that come out of nowhere and leave just quickly. It was only when I looked it up did I realize this was actually a spin-off of Tim Heidecker and Gregg Turkington's On Cinema, a show I had never even heard of before watching this. While I didn't find it funny at all, maybe watching the actual show might've enhanced the experience, and gave more context. That's why it's a lot higher than I might've put it otherwise.
The Kitchen
This was originally lower, but the more I thought on it, the less I disliked it. There was potential in this, exploring the machismo of mob movies through the underutilized character of the wife, and the film kind of does this at parts, especially with their underestimation by their male partners and associates. The three leads and Domhall Gleeson are also quite good in their respective roles. It never really goes far enough with that theme and it never seems to reach a point, instead going into mob movie cliches, but there was potential. Maybe a better adaptation might explore this.
Stuber
I thought this was funny the first time I saw it. Then, I saw it again on a plane, and it was significantly less funny. Again, Kumail Nanjiani can be very funny, and Dave Bautista has shown that he has legitimate comedic chops. The two do have a good back-and-forth, but these jokes really work once, and yes, there is no escaping that this is basically a two-hour commercial for Uber. Still, it had some funny moments, I suppose.
Charlie's Angels
Again, can't tell you what happens in this movie. A lot of explosions, some poorly written generic spy plot, some really poorly done action scenes. At least the actresses seem to be having fun riffing on this particular concept, and I do like that there is some continuity given to the other versions. (The various cameos also help). Still, can't think of a reason to actually watch this if you want something good.
Joker
Yes, the controversial choice. Look, Joaquin Phoenix is an excellent actor and as per usual, he delivers a disturbingly good performance as the Batman villain. I did like that it expanded on him being a comedian. The main problem is that the film takes a lot out of Taxi Driver and King of Comedy, but doesn't seem to understand either. Instead, the script underwrites the psychological drama part, the thriller part, the social commentary part, basically every aspect of this film is underdone and underexplored, and Todd Phillips can't really shot this sort of drama well. Honestly, if people weren't constantly talking about this, I would've forgotten I'd even seen it.
Countdown
This is a movie about a killer phone application. Like, this is something that might be made in a plot generator on the internet. At times, the film does seem to be aware of the ridiculousness of its premise and tries to have fun with it. Mostly, though, it's just another Final Destination knock-off that is incredibly boring, incredibly predictable and incredibly not scary at all. And again, it's about a killer phone app.
Hellboy
Having now read some of the original comics, I sort of get that the film was trying to hew closer to the original comics than Del Toro's more whimsical and fantasy oriented version. Unfortunately, the film ends up just being dumb, confusing, overstuffed with characters and concepts that are never fully explained. The effects and sets look awful, and the imagination present in both the comics and the Del Toro films is lost beneath a dull grey palette. That said,.... I did have fun sometimes, so I'll give it that.
Tolkien
JRR Tolkien led a long fascinating life and had a lot of friends and associates. Unfortunately, the film decides not to focus on any of that, instead opting to tell the story of his Dead Poets Society-esque tale of misfits and his service during World War I. Both were influential in the Middle-Earth saga, sure, but it wasn't particularly interesting in its own right nor does it really show how these friendships and events influenced Tolkien as a writer. We get some nods, but nothing really examines how deeply Tolkien's war service and losing some of his friends affected his outlook and especially how it influenced the portrayal of war torn areas and the journey in Lord of the Rings.
Glass
Another perhaps controversial one, given that this film has undergone a reevaluation since I saw it back in January. Me, I still didn't care for it all that much. M. Night Shyamalan's sequel to his acclaimed Unbreakable and Split seems to completely contradict parts of those films to ludicrous effects and gives an entirely predictable, yet utterly bizarre twist and another element that might've served something had actual development been given to it. I did enjoy seeing the characters from both films again, and it does have the potential to spring a new franchise, focused on realistic superheroes. A shame that the rest of the film couldn't follow.
Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker
I decided to leave off 2019 with this, since it was the end of a particular saga for this era. The movie is also not really that good, pissing away all the development that Last Jedi gave for all the characters to instead give a retread of Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, with several elements there entirely for fan service (including some truly terrible character moments). No event in this film has any impact, because most of it is reversed or underutilized. The plot is entirely a McGuffin hunt that doesn't take time to sit down and actually give more development to the characters or have them reflect on their journeys. Yet.... at times, when the action was on or I saw the scenery, I did have some moments of fun despite myself. So, fitting for the last film I saw in theaters in the 2010's that it is last here.
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Alright, one down, one to go. Join me in the next few days for Part II: Okay to Best.
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